Praying for Wisdom

I am finding the calm in the chaos of my life.  So many things have changed that I could not possibly list them all but I will start with the biggest change of my life. I am now a widow, solo parent.  It's crazy to think that in the last post I wrote I was concerned with having more kids and Justin working too much.  I can't even deal with my reasoning of those times.  Now I know that God had a plan in place not allowing me to get pregnant again and have another child to deal with without Justin by my side.  I have a difficult time with Luke as it is how would I even cope with another child.   Through Justin's death I felt much closer to God but then I became bitter and felt like I walked away.  Now I am simply trying to find out what I believe again.  My faith has certainly been challenged.  I feel like I still have faith but I have to figure out where I am placing my faith.  I want to be putting it in the right places.   I...

I have recently become very jealous of everyone in my life who is announcing their pregnancy.  This is because I desire to have another baby.  I would like to be the mother of 2 or even 3 but my husband doesn't want any more children.  I have tried to tell him that I would like another and he just seems to think that I am already stressed out enough with one child and two dogs.  I am often stressed out.  Part of that is because he travels for work so I end up being a full-time stay at home single mother.  If anyone has done this successfully please let me know because I am ready to tear my hair out most days.  I don't get adult conversation unless my hubby calls or I go and talk to someone else.  Then that begins a whole new issue, that I should be staying at home and not "running the roads", because we cannot afford it.  I am bored spending my days with a 3 year old and his dogs.  I am frustrated by my lack of friends.  I have star...

Sometimes something just pops out of my mouth before my brain is able to filter the content in relation to the audience. Man sometimes the things that come out of my mouth should not have even been in my brain to begin with and that is the problem. How do you get rid of the things that have crept into your brain invited or not, once you finally realize that you have no need for them being there. I have a somewhat photographic memory but it tends to haunt me, I cannot seem to harness what things I can recall; unfortunately the items that seem to stay forever etched in my brain are usually the ones that I would like to leave forever and stop haunting me. It's not as though I lose sleep over these things or anything like that, they just come back to me at awkward times. I think it has the most to do with the fact that I need to forgive myself for seeing or doing or hearing those things and maybe that would help me forget these weird moments in my life.

Okay so if you don't have a toddler this may not be the most exciting news but for anyone with children, you'll understand my excitement. Luke just went "peepee" on the potty for the first time ever! We aren't really trying to potty train at this point but he likes to sit on the potty when mommy does, I figure that's a good start to introduce him to potty training. And who would have guessed that we would have actually had success with him this soon. I will try to put him on the toilet more often now so he can learn but I'm pretty much letting him set the pace for this. We are working on letters, he does try to mimic what I say when I count to him, no sentences or anything like that yet but he does use some words.

Well we've just celebrated our two year anniversary and our son is 10 months old now, my life is totally different than it was the last time I blogged. It's crazy how fast the days go by and how our priorities change.

Update: Church: Check Pastor: Check Reception Hall: Check Catering: Check Cake: Not Yet Ceremony: Not Yet Bridal Gown: Check Bridesmaids Dresses: Not Yet Bachelorette Party: Given to Chelsea Bridal Shower: Justin's family March 19th Bridal Shower: My family-undecided Wedding Registry: Kohl's, Walmart?, Target?--we haven't done any of them yet. Ready to be married!!!! 113

Church: Check Pastor: In progress Dress: Check Hall Booked: Check Food Decided: Check (mom's catering) Cake: Still Needed Bridesmaid Dresses: In progress Decorations: In progress Flowers: In progress I feel better writing it down, I still don't feel like I have anything done.

I have not been feeling very motivated to do wedding planning. I've been a little depressed with how little response I have gotten from the different sites that I was interested in interning with. I have a lot of options in the area however some places I have no desire to work with and I think it would be silly to intern for a site like that. I have also been working hard on trying to get Grandma's house in order. I'll be having a garage sale, in august, to sell almost everything from the house because no one has come to get any of it. (This is not a cheerful task either). I've been busy with other activities for the summer with family. I haven't camped with the parents but Justin and I have been visiting while mom and dad have been camping.

Knights of Columbus Hall booked for April 23rd, 2011. Wedding reception site--$200 deposit.....check. One million other things to work on now.

Wedding Countdown Timer provided by Bridal Guide

I went wedding dress shopping last Sunday. It was fun and it kind of reminded me that I am actually getting married. It just seems so far away right now, with trying to get through school and get everything done. Even wedding planning doesn't seem to remind me that I will be marrying the man of my dreams in about a year.

Oh the joys of trying to plan a wedding. I just didn't know there was this much involved. All of the little details that part of me worries about and the other part says who cares....this leads to procrastination which actually drives that one side of me crazy and is the life of the party on the other side. No wonder Justin never knows what kind of mood I'll be in when I see him.

I think that I automatically took on the task of planning my own wedding. My family is not rich so I just assumed that responsibility would fall to me. I've been looking at wedding magazines and websites and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by it all. I'm excited to be married and I have plenty of time to plan a wedding. As well as having plenty of time, I also have a large family that will be willing to help if I learn to delegate to them. I have to figure out what has to be done before I can tell other people to be in charge of things. I really don't care what the reception looks like as long as it is in the black and white &_________(other color?). I also really don't care much about what food there is or what the cake looks like as long as it doesn't have a bobblehead topper. I need to get my engagement ring sized so that it can motivate me properly. Planning a wedding, going to school full time and working might be harder than I anticipated. Look...

I'm now engaged to the sweetest man ever, we have our moments when we are less than perfect but so does everyone else. I have fun with him every day that I spend with him. I cannot wait to be able to call him my husband. We have a while to wait and that suits me too so that I can enjoy this time in our lives too. This process of getting ready to be married is a process to remember. Our pastor is no longer with us because he died of cancer but before that he set aside some pre-marriage counseling cds with our names on them, we are blessed to have known him as well as we did. The blessings just keep coming. I love my life!!! :)

450 Majors and 1 Department. I love the Recreation department don't get me wrong but some personalization might be nice. I do not like the size of Central because it is something I'm not used to but I embraced the change after a while and now I'm pretty much used to it. Just in time for me to change what I am going after and open a door to a new challenge. Challenges excite me...sort of. I love to take on things that I can see the progress in. Justin is looking at houses. He found one for cheap that he could fix up but he hasn't been able to get a hold of the real estate agent that the house is listed with. This is sad because it would be amazing to be able to close and start the new year getting moved into a new place. Anyway... I'm almost done with the semester. One exam to go and I'm not super stressed about it. I'm not looking forward to it either but I won't hate it. I'll just be glad when it hits 2 o'clock on Thursday because I w...

Once again I am stressed out about classes because every one of my professors says "let's have a group project it will be fun" I have news for every professor who says that--you are a liar. These projects are not fun and very few of them are really even productive because we will not use them later in life when I have a group project for my oppression class. I am ready to be done and people tell me that everyone feels that way in the home stretch but I have been ready to be done since week 2 of Freshman year in college. This is not where I want to be but I feel like God is telling me keep it up, just a little while longer and you will get a reward. I almost ask myself is the reward worth it but then I realize that God knows me better than I know myself and the reward will not be a dinner but something much more valuable. The reward might even include a husband if I don't scare him off before that, not that I'm seriously concerned about this. He hasn't be...

I just signed up for my classes at the coffee shop and found out that i do not have over a year left. I have one semester of classes left--this scares me out of my mind. I have to get an internship in order to graduate, I'm excited and scared.

Pastor Jim didn't make it through the weekend. His funeral is on Saturday. I have so much stuff to do so I am thankful that it is not until Saturday. That sounds selfish but it is the truth.

My pastor is not doing well. It's been a while since we found out that he had cancer but he is not gone yet and I am simply irritated by everyone who has let go of him already. I just had an epiphany that maybe I'm supposed to be letting go as well so that God can do his work or so that God can take him home. I don't really feel bad that pastor Jim is dying because he has been in so much pain lately that I just want to see his suffering ended. I'm angry at myself for not feeling bad and not crying. I didn't even cry when I lost grandpa a couple weeks ago. part of me wonders if it's because i don't feel anything. Just wondering, which is something I do a lot of lately. Needed to get this out of my system so I can focus on other things right now. More pressing things, maybe not more important.

Well today I'm doing a disability experience so I get to be in a wheelchair for 6 hours. I'm not extremely excited but it is a good experience. My group work is going fairly well. I have more groups to get into soon. That won't be as much fun. Working on our event for the one project. October 25th, Papa's Pumpkin Patch, Chili Tasting. I'm loving my job that I started at the end of summer. Working with Kari and Ernie is so much better than working with the other people. I'm so tired apparently staying awake and watching Love Happens in the theater was not a good idea. I was falling asleep driving home last night and falling asleep coming in this morning so apparently I will need to a. take a nap or b. go to bed early. I pick c. first take a nap and then go to sleep early. I hear people talk about engagements and rings and getting married. Part of me wants to be married right now!! That's a big part of me. The rest, that little itsy bitsy piece in t...