Sometimes something just pops out of my mouth before my brain is able to filter the content in relation to the audience. Man sometimes the things that come out of my mouth should not have even been in my brain to begin with and that is the problem. How do you get rid of the things that have crept into your brain invited or not, once you finally realize that you have no need for them being there. I have a somewhat photographic memory but it tends to haunt me, I cannot seem to harness what things I can recall; unfortunately the items that seem to stay forever etched in my brain are usually the ones that I would like to leave forever and stop haunting me. It's not as though I lose sleep over these things or anything like that, they just come back to me at awkward times.
I think it has the most to do with the fact that I need to forgive myself for seeing or doing or hearing those things and maybe that would help me forget these weird moments in my life.
My pastor is not doing well. It's been a while since we found out that he had cancer but he is not gone yet and I am simply irritated by everyone who has let go of him already. I just had an epiphany that maybe I'm supposed to be letting go as well so that God can do his work or so that God can take him home. I don't really feel bad that pastor Jim is dying because he has been in so much pain lately that I just want to see his suffering ended. I'm angry at myself for not feeling bad and not crying. I didn't even cry when I lost grandpa a couple weeks ago. part of me wonders if it's because i don't feel anything. Just wondering, which is something I do a lot of lately. Needed to get this out of my system so I can focus on other things right now. More pressing things, maybe not more important.
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