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Jealousy and Ramblings of Life

I have recently become very jealous of everyone in my life who is announcing their pregnancy.  This is because I desire to have another baby.  I would like to be the mother of 2 or even 3 but my husband doesn't want any more children.  I have tried to tell him that I would like another and he just seems to think that I am already stressed out enough with one child and two dogs.  I am often stressed out.  Part of that is because he travels for work so I end up being a full-time stay at home single mother.  If anyone has done this successfully please let me know because I am ready to tear my hair out most days.  I don't get adult conversation unless my hubby calls or I go and talk to someone else.  Then that begins a whole new issue, that I should be staying at home and not "running the roads", because we cannot afford it.  I am bored spending my days with a 3 year old and his dogs.  I am frustrated by my lack of friends.  I have started to attend church with Justin's family and that is going well but the church doesn't have many people that I communicate with.  I just feel out of place there.  I would like to find a place where I feel at home and I can be myself but I'm not sure where that place is and I don't know how to locate it.  I hate to pressure Justin about it because he has a stressful job and doesn't need to worry about us at home while he is away but I can understand the need that some women have for companionship.  I am missing my husband and it doesn't seem like he enjoys being home.  I feel like we stress him out and he has an easier time when he is on the road for work.  Back to finding a place where I can be myself, I'm not even sure who I am anymore.  I feel like an empty shell.  I have frustration and annoyance but I don't remember the last time I felt pure joy or happiness.  I have been on an antidepressant for 2 years and I don't know if it is even helping.  I have switched doctors in that time frame and I have been trying to deal with other medical issues.  I have carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands, worse in my right than my left but that seems logical to me because I am right handed.  Thankfully it isn't too bad yet but the doctor would like me to go in for surgery. $$$ I am also considering weight loss surgery$$$$$$$.  I don't know why I cannot just be happy the way I am.  I am jealous of my cousin who is getting into a little hobby farm.  She is a couple years older than I am (Justin's age) but they both work and they have money to do a hobby farm and I don't.  I have a piece of land that I am renting from my father and it is looking pretty cruddy right now.  It needs a lot of work.

There are bees in the shed that need to be taken care of and the shed doors need to be replaced.  The whole shed needs to be jacked up because it is sinking into the ground.  Beside the barn needs cleaned up so that we can clear a path to the field through there but there is too much brush and debris in the way right now.

I need to clean out the basement because we never go down there and do anything.  I would like to be a better homemaker but I'm not really sure how to do that.

I also have considered going back to work but I don't really want to do anything that I have a degree to do so I would basically have to work for minimum wage somewhere and that probably wouldn't help because I'd have to put Luke in daycare or preschool.  I need to start thinking about preschool but a lot of them they have to be potty trained and he just doesn't seem to care about that right now.

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