Skip to main content

Decidedly Undecided

This is the theme for my life.... I always decide that I am not going to be the one to decide. But in all honesty... I'm usually the one to give in to everyone else and decide anyway.

I feel like life is going well but I'm just mildly depressed. I'm taking things WAY out of context and I'm just not feeling like I should. Sometimes I'm just so happy that I could not stand to be in the presence of someone who is not happy but that is usually before I head into class and guess what......everyone in my classes seem to be in the worst of moods when I'm feeling great.

Oh I got a D+ on my Religion exam....so I didn't exactly fail it but I might as well have. Oh man am I hoping I am able to do better on the next one. I hope that won't make me fail the class.... I do not want to have to retake it so that it doesn't show up on my transcript.

I wrote so much last night about feelings and such that I just don't know what to write on here. I felt like I was letting everyone down and when I'm letting everyone else down I feel like I am letting myself down.

OH my circle of life. I don't know how to change it....I'm a people person. I like to make sure everything is going right with everybody. I don't like conflict and I don't especially like when I am wrong because generally I am not told in a nice way that I am wrong...it's usually cruel and makes me want to cry. Which brings me to my next point.......everything in my life is making me cry these days... i'm an emotional rollercoaster and usually that leads to some sort of train wreck.

I've ticked everyone off in my life in the past week, I don't know how I accomplish these things so diligently but I feel like everyone is against me right now. I'm facing my world and it's trying to squish me---F-u world---I will win if it takes me my whole life. I won't be squished by you and your planetary friends.

I'm a little random--Sorry!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

To a Sister

i was reading through some of my old writings that I just left on my computer. There is a lot of randomness in there but this one i still feel is worthwhile To a sister; who is willing to share in my secrets.A sister who; shows me so much love that I don’t know what I would ever do without her.A sister who; shares my tears and my fears. A sister who; tells me that my fears are totally irrelevant and don’t matter in the real world. Guess what, I think I finally get what you’ve been telling me all these years, some stuff just doesn’t matter. I have the “turn around” song on my computer and I can see what it’s talking about, it always reminds me of the skit that you did with Katery and the rest of the counselors, I can hardly stand to listen to this song—I cry almost every time. You tell me how it is and you are perfectly okay in your own skin. You know who you are and I look up to you so much for that because at this point it seems like I will never be able to figure out ...

Chillin'

I'm in a good mood today but I just wish the day would go by faster because I want to go see Justin. i'm chillin' at Qdoba by myself right now and it's pretty boring. i wish I could have had a lunch date with Justin. I really am contemplating skipping my psychology class. Oh how bored i am right now. Hopefully things will pick up soon!

Sigh*

My pastor is not doing well. It's been a while since we found out that he had cancer but he is not gone yet and I am simply irritated by everyone who has let go of him already. I just had an epiphany that maybe I'm supposed to be letting go as well so that God can do his work or so that God can take him home. I don't really feel bad that pastor Jim is dying because he has been in so much pain lately that I just want to see his suffering ended. I'm angry at myself for not feeling bad and not crying. I didn't even cry when I lost grandpa a couple weeks ago. part of me wonders if it's because i don't feel anything. Just wondering, which is something I do a lot of lately. Needed to get this out of my system so I can focus on other things right now. More pressing things, maybe not more important.