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New Beginnings as past failures fall away

Well I was looking through profiles on Myspace --the people I already know of course-- and I found some pretty interesting information. That information however is for me to know and anyone else to do their own myspace stalking to find out.

Well Justin's mom had a talk with him the other day and I thought he was going to tell me something like, she isn't ready for him to be serious with anyone and she doesn't think it will last. However the real thing that she told him was that she thinks he should marry me quick fast and in a hurry. She thinks that this is the happiest he has ever been. The other factor is she knows that he would like to be married by our pastor, Jim. Jim was just diagnosed with a serious case of esophageal cancer, it's in the later stages. He is undergoing chemo therapy right now and we will see what is to come. Our church is praying for a miracle, I can't imagine our church and my life without Pastor Jim. Well there it is, I finally am committing to the fact that this is actually happening in my life right now and I'm not just living some horrible really long nightmare.

The feeling that I am living a life that cannot possibly be my own, I have had this experience before. When the house burnt down I felt the same unreal feeling, like this can't actually happen to me because this is something that you just see about on the news, it does not really happen to us. Same feeling that I got when I was watching the news on the day of 9/11.

Well as for the unreal, that is pretty much it.
I was talking to my mom on the way to school today about what Justin's mom had said and she kind of caught me off guard. I guess that I just assumed she would be happy to hear those things and that she would support me. She really told me that I should know what I'm getting into and that I should realize that forever is a long time. I don't think that she realizes that Justin is the love of my life and that I want to spend the rest of forever with him. Good and bad I want to be able to share with him. He has dealt with everything that I have put him through and I want to be able to be there for him through anything that he is dealing with. So far it seems like I have only been with him through the good parts of life but I want to be by his side through everything. I can't say that I "want" to endure hardship with him but I also would like to point out that the only reason I can't say that is because I don't "want" to endure hardship at all. However on the other hand I do want to be with him and if that includes hardship which I'm sure it inevitably will, he is the one that I want to be able to turn to.

God is the base of our relationship, we both believe in an all powerful god that will guide us in the right direction. I believe that we both need to grow before we will be ready for marriage but we have talked about that already.

Many people look at us like we are still children and we really have a plan already for the future. I will stay at Central and finish college because financially that is what is best. Unless things change that is and only God knows what will happen for sure. This is our plan but we realize that sometimes plans change and we have to do things differently.

I am hoping to sign up for some scholarships this semester that I can apply to spring. Then I will be able to pay for books. I also would like to look into paying my loans off early. I think that it would be wonderful if I can go into a marriage without having any debt at all. I don't know if it is a plan that will be possible but I would like to try.

Justin is working on paying off the things that he owes too that way we are in a good financial standing when we tie the knot.

I love him more than I could ever express in words because every time I look at him, I just can't believe that he is real and that he really loves me. I haven't been putting on a front that he loves, I have been being me as much as I know how to be and that is what he loves. I love him, every part of him, I love his flaws as much as I love his strengths. I could list them but that is something that I will keep locked away in my heart only for him to have the key to open.

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