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Pursuing Calm

I am finding the calm in the chaos of my life.  So many things have changed that I could not possibly list them all but I will start with the biggest change of my life. I am now a widow, solo parent.  It's crazy to think that in the last post I wrote I was concerned with having more kids and Justin working too much.  I can't even deal with my reasoning of those times.  Now I know that God had a plan in place not allowing me to get pregnant again and have another child to deal with without Justin by my side.  I have a difficult time with Luke as it is how would I even cope with another child.   Through Justin's death I felt much closer to God but then I became bitter and felt like I walked away.  Now I am simply trying to find out what I believe again.  My faith has certainly been challenged.  I feel like I still have faith but I have to figure out where I am placing my faith.  I want to be putting it in the right places.   I have been seeing a counselor and I feel l
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Recent posts

Jealousy and Ramblings of Life

I have recently become very jealous of everyone in my life who is announcing their pregnancy.  This is because I desire to have another baby.  I would like to be the mother of 2 or even 3 but my husband doesn't want any more children.  I have tried to tell him that I would like another and he just seems to think that I am already stressed out enough with one child and two dogs.  I am often stressed out.  Part of that is because he travels for work so I end up being a full-time stay at home single mother.  If anyone has done this successfully please let me know because I am ready to tear my hair out most days.  I don't get adult conversation unless my hubby calls or I go and talk to someone else.  Then that begins a whole new issue, that I should be staying at home and not "running the roads", because we cannot afford it.  I am bored spending my days with a 3 year old and his dogs.  I am frustrated by my lack of friends.  I have started to attend church with Justin'
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Mind/Mouth Filter

Sometimes something just pops out of my mouth before my brain is able to filter the content in relation to the audience. Man sometimes the things that come out of my mouth should not have even been in my brain to begin with and that is the problem. How do you get rid of the things that have crept into your brain invited or not, once you finally realize that you have no need for them being there. I have a somewhat photographic memory but it tends to haunt me, I cannot seem to harness what things I can recall; unfortunately the items that seem to stay forever etched in my brain are usually the ones that I would like to leave forever and stop haunting me. It's not as though I lose sleep over these things or anything like that, they just come back to me at awkward times. I think it has the most to do with the fact that I need to forgive myself for seeing or doing or hearing those things and maybe that would help me forget these weird moments in my life.
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Parental Excitement!

Okay so if you don't have a toddler this may not be the most exciting news but for anyone with children, you'll understand my excitement. Luke just went "peepee" on the potty for the first time ever! We aren't really trying to potty train at this point but he likes to sit on the potty when mommy does, I figure that's a good start to introduce him to potty training. And who would have guessed that we would have actually had success with him this soon. I will try to put him on the toilet more often now so he can learn but I'm pretty much letting him set the pace for this. We are working on letters, he does try to mimic what I say when I count to him, no sentences or anything like that yet but he does use some words.
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Changes

Well we've just celebrated our two year anniversary and our son is 10 months old now, my life is totally different than it was the last time I blogged. It's crazy how fast the days go by and how our priorities change.
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113 Days until I say, "I do"

Update: Church: Check Pastor: Check Reception Hall: Check Catering: Check Cake: Not Yet Ceremony: Not Yet Bridal Gown: Check Bridesmaids Dresses: Not Yet Bachelorette Party: Given to Chelsea Bridal Shower: Justin's family March 19th Bridal Shower: My family-undecided Wedding Registry: Kohl's, Walmart?, Target?--we haven't done any of them yet. Ready to be married!!!! 113
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Wedding Planning Update

Church: Check Pastor: In progress Dress: Check Hall Booked: Check Food Decided: Check (mom's catering) Cake: Still Needed Bridesmaid Dresses: In progress Decorations: In progress Flowers: In progress I feel better writing it down, I still don't feel like I have anything done.
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